“You have not changed at all after having kids”, my friend told me, when we were talking about motherhood. And even though I feel as if I’ve changed massively, it was one of the most beautiful things I could hear at this point in my life.
Because what I heard and what she meant by that, was: I still see you as you – as Charlotta.
As if I’ve just gotten a new job, just a bit more on my plate, yet still never losing who I am at my core. It means the world to me that for my friend, I can still be that, the same friend I’ve always been.
Because I would like to be that. A friend. A wife. A sister. A student. A professional. And obviously, a mother. But most importantly, I would always like to be me. Just Charlotta.
To be honest, I miss me.
I feel as if I disappeared last year. Slowly and quickly I shrank away. I’ve never before lost my appetite the way I did last year. It’s almost as if I lost my appetite not only for food, but for life. I couldn’t take the not sleeping, the not resting, the feelings, the lows, the highs. And most of all I couldn’t stand the feeling of depression. Not again.
This time depression felt – and feels – very different. It felt as though nothing mattered and nothing interested me. As if I was just floating through the days, not really being able to hold on to anything. Yet I was still doing all of the things and more – obviously, I’m a mother. All I wanted to do was sink on the couch, yet I got up and went outside every day. To the outside it might have seemed like all was fine. Yet I had no energy for myself left.
Seeking help was so difficult. Somehow it was even more difficult now the second time, but I am so happy I did. Because that meant getting Charlotta back.
First the shape of her, her silhouette getting sharper. Then the colors started coming. The gold to her hair, the pink on her cheeks. She started dreaming again. She was no longer afraid of looking in the mirror – the woman would smile back at her.
Yet still, I have miles to go. I’m still getting to know me after a really hard break up. I’m forever at school learning self-compassion, graduating never. But at least I attend the classes.
I’m actively encouraging my brain, when it says I can’t. I can. That might sound simple, but changing your thoughts is surprisingly difficult.
I don’t know everything, but I know I was put on this earth to make my sisters or friends laugh, to be the avocado whisperer of our family, to wear pink as much as I like and to not be so damn scared all the time.
The cliches are true – no one else is me. And I’ll take that superpower.
I’ve healed before and I’ll heal again.
Photos from a Kaiko shoot wearing the Wrap Midi Dress in Olive Anemone. Photographer: Anna Salmisalo. Makeup: Maya Winslow.
If this resonated with you, I share more honest everyday moments on Instagram at @charlottaeve.
